Baker Street Bachelor
by thischarmingpsychopath
Summary: This is an entirely AU story. In it Sherlock is the new bachelor on the popular tv show The Bachelor. It follows the way the TV show works only with Sherlock characters. It's completely meant for fun and laughs, and some of the characters will be out of character at times for the sake of the story. Includes lots of different ships such as Johnlock, Sheriarty, Adlock, and Sherlolly


**A/N: This is an entirely AU fic, it's meant strictly for fun and laughs. I'll try to keep the characters true to who they are to an extent but they may occasionally be out of character for the sake of the story. Each chapter after this one will follow the setup of the TV show The Bachelor with Sherlock going on dates with the prospective characters until he proposes to one at the end. I don't own any of the characters from the TV show Sherlock and I don't own the Bachelor either. Enjoy, I hope you enjoy my crazy idea for a fun story. Be sure to review and let me know what you think.**

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><p>"Welcome to the Bachelor, I am your host Mycroft Holmes. And I hope you're as excited as we are for this groundbreaking new season. For the first time in Bachelor history we have fifteen men and women competing for our Bachelor's heart." Mycroft stared into the camera with a small smile, "You're probably asking yourself, who is this lucky Bachelor, and here he is." Mycroft made a dramatic gesture with a closed black umbrella as the tall young man joined him in front of the camera.<p>

"This is Sherlock Holmes, no relation to myself, and he is our eligible bachelor, here to find the woman, or man, of his dreams. Sherlock, what brought you onto our show?"

"I don't get much free time to go out and meet people as I'm usually in my flat doing experiments. In fact my mother is the one who signed me up because she felt it was time I meet someone." Sherlock didn't smile, he just stared straight ahead at the camera.

"Oh, so very enthusiastic to be here." Mycroft forced a fake smile. "And are you excited to be our first contestant with both male and female contestants to choose from, how very progressive of you."

"Yes, well the human brain is not hardwired to be straight or gay. It's hardwired to recognize emotion. So it's really the most scientifically correct way to have this show be set up." Sherlock shrugged and still didn't crack a smile.

Mycroft's fake smile grew wider and he made an amused snort. "Yes. Well, we try to make the best matches possible on this show, it's all about love. Do you have a specific plan going into this first night? You get to meet all fifteen contestants and at the end of the night you'll have to say goodbye to two of them, do you think it will be hard."

"I doubt it, I'll only have known them for a few hours. My strategy is to go with my gut. If I deduce that I could have a connection with someone then they'll get a rose. If not why should I find it hard to turn them away?"

"Well that sounds like as good a plan as I've heard. We better get you out front, the limos will be arriving shortly." Mycroft placed a hand on Sherlock's back and the two looked into the camera until the producer Anthea yelled cut.

"Oh that was brilliant!" She yelled out as she hurried up to them typing furiously on her mobile phone.

"It certainly was something." Mycroft added with a tiny smirk.

"Between our callously honest bachelor and the dynamics of a male and female household this could be our highest rated season yet!" Anthea gave Sherlock a thumbs up which he ignored. "Let's go, the night is about to begin. You all ready?" She asked Sherlock as they walked to the front of the idyllic mansion.

Sherlock nodded and pulled down on his suit jacket to get it straightened out. "Make me proud." She clapped her hand on his shoulder and was off again, her head never looking up from her phone as she left. "Here comes the first limo" Mycroft spoke into the camera, "I'll see you again when it's time for the rose ceremony. Good luck." With that he was gone also and Sherlock was left alone on the stone pathway. The limo door opened up and the first person out was a tall man with shaggy brown hair. He looked a bit like Sherlock and once he was out he skateboarded up to Sherlock and kicked the board back into his hands. "Hello, my name's Tom. It's lovely to meet you."

Sherlock shook his hand and nodded, "Nice to meet you too" Sherlock smiled back, his smile instantly disappearing once Tom was in the house. Next up was a redheaded girl wearing a gunmetal grey gown. When she got to Sherlock she hugged him and handed him a typewriter key chain. "I'm a reporter so I brought you this key chain to remind you of me when you look at it."

"Thank you, it was nice meeting you." Sherlock nodded and sent her on her way. The next few people also brought him presents. He received a magnifying glass from a girl named Janine who heard he liked to do detective work, and not a very good magnifying glass at that. He also received handcuffs from a police officer named Sally Donovan, a cabbie hat from a man named Jeff Hope, a beaker from a chemist named Bill Wiggins, a toy gun from a woman named Mary Morstan who said she was expertly trained in firearms, a journal from a forensic detective named Philip Anderson, and a skeleton key chain from a forensic pathologist named Molly Hooper. Each time the producers came and took them away and each time Sherlock attempted to look impressed by their gifts. There was even a doctor named Sarah that brought a stethoscope to take his pulse to see if he was nervous. He wasn't, and as such her joke failed.

By the time the final limo of people pulled up Sherlock was hoping the last few would seem a bit more promising than the first two limos worth. First out was an older woman with bright red hair and a large smile. "Hello dear my name is Martha Hudson. I made some homemade biscuits for you." Sherlock gave her a gentle hug and tried one of the biscuits she had brought with her. He smiled a genuine smile for the first time today. "Thank you, that was delicious." He told her as she left to go into the mansion with the others.

Next out was a man who looked to be in his late thirties or early forties. He was very attractive and was carrying a football under one arm. "My name is Greg Lestrade. I'm a detective inspector. And I love watching football, so maybe you and I can play a game sometime." "Nice meeting you detective inspector." Sherlock nodded, "I'm not one for playing sports myself." Greg nodded and smiled "Right, no problem." He shuffled his feet awkwardly and hurried into the house.

Sherlock stared in surprise as a tall and beautiful woman with dark hair stepped out. She was wearing a black dress that hugged every curve and she was holding a small whip in her right hand. As she walked up to Sherlock she brought the whip up to her mouth and bit down on it with a wicked smile. "This is for you." She handed him the whip and kissed his cheek, "I'm Irene Adler." "Nice to meet you" Sherlock was unusually at a loss for words and Irene grinned. "I'll see you inside." She purred and left.

Sherlock handed over the whip and slowly turned his attention back to the limo as a man walked out. He was wearing a very nice suit that fit him exceptionally well. The way he carried himself showed he was very confident and he smiled widely as he looked at Sherlock. "Jim Moriarty… hi" he seemed to sing song his hello in a way that Sherlock couldn't tell if it was taunting or just in fun. He was carrying a book in his left hand and passed it to Sherlock as he reached him. "Grimm's complete fairy tales," Sherlock read aloud. "thank you." "I love dark fairy tales, they're so much more interesting than those cheesy unrealistic ones don't you think?" Sherlock agreed and found himself genuinely smiling at last. Between Irene Adler and now Jim Moriarty he was finally seeing some promising contenders.

Sherlock stared after Jim until he disappeared into the house and turned his attention back to the limo for the final person. Out stepped a short man with dark blonde hair and a shy smile. Sherlock thought he looked a bit like a human version of a hedgehog or a meerkat. The man waved apprehensively as he walked up and then stood there with his hands awkwardly in his pockets of his suit. "Hello, I'm John Watson." "Sherlock Holmes" Sherlock answered, taking in the man in front of him. He had a soldier's haircut and his awkward yet rigid posture pointed towards military service as well. Sherlock shook his hand, "Very nice to meet you. What do you do?" Sherlock surprised himself by the question. He hadn't specifically asked anyone else what they did, but he wanted to make John Watson feel more comfortable. "I'm a doctor and a blogger."

"Ah, so you inflict your opinion on people for a living. One way or another." Sherlock commented and John looked slightly offended. "Yes, I suppose I do." He nodded, "I'll see you inside." He waved again and went into the mansion. Once John had made it into the mansion one of the cameramen told Sherlock to head inside and to start mingling with everyone. Sherlock opened the door to find everyone crowded onto a large couch in the front room, waiting for him. He had never had so many people this eager to see him in his entire life, and now that he did he didn't much care for it.

"Ah- thank you all for coming on the show for a chance to meet me. I don't know what would drive you to do such a thing, I'm hardly worth that-" most of them laughed as he said it and he pursed his lips impatiently. "But I appreciate it and I'll do my best to be social." As soon as he had uttered those words the throng of people descended on him with only a few staying seated on the couch, and a few others walking off to explore.

Sherlock avoided Tom as he saw him walking up to him and instead started chatting with Mary Morstan. He was already quite sure Tom would be one of the two going home tonight. It didn't take more than a moments deduction to see he wasn't intelligent or mature enough to be of any use in Sherlock's life. "So you're a master with a firearm?" Sherlock was genuinely intrigued by her. She was shorter than him with short blonde hair chopped into a bob and a large, friendly smile. "Yeah, I was shooting guns by the time I was six years old. My family started me out young."

"That's quite the hobby for a six year old."

"Well, I wasn't your average six year old." She joked back. "Maybe one day I'll be able to show you how good of a shot I am." "We can hope." Sherlock answered and both of them turned to look at the girl he remembered as Sally from before.

"Sorry to interrupt" she didn't sound sorry and nothing about her posture would suggest she was either, but Molly told her it was fine and excused herself. Through most of the conversations Sherlock found himself zoning out, so he mostly nodded along with them. Kitty was drunk shortly after the party began. Sally had a problem about talking too much about nothing important, and Anderson was intelligent in his own way but extremely dull. Sherlock looked up from his conversation with Janine as someone trailed a finger across his chest from behind him. "Mind if I steal you away?" Irene asked him and when he nodded she grabbed his tie and pulled him along after her to a secluded spot by the pool.

"How bored are you?" She asked with a laugh, "Did they purposely find every dull person in the UK for you to choose from?"

"There are a few people here worthwhile, but you're correct about the other half. You hardly seem boring, what is it that you do for a living?"

"I'm a dominatrix." She answered, her eyes fixed on his, "Does that bother you?"

"Why should it bother me what _you_ want to do for a living? I guess I should have known from the whip."

"You seem like you'd be the type to enjoy being dominated."

"And you seem the type to hide how intelligent she is behind a mask of sexuality. Don't, smart is the new sexy." Irene looked appalled that he would say that to her, but she didn't seem mad. "Yeah, I see that." She gently ran the back of her hand along his jaw.

Sherlock made sure to talk to Martha Hudson next, who assured him she'd rather be called Mrs. Hudson. "I know I'm older and you probably have no interest in talking to someone like me." She said once they had been talking for a while. "But I love watching this show on the telly, and I figured what's the worst that can happen if they let me come on it. I get to meet a handsome man like you and travel a bit."

Sherlock was already very fond of this woman, not in a sexual way, but he liked her. She had a lot of spirit and was funny and kind. "I promise you, even though I don't see myself dating you I will keep you around long enough that you get to travel a bit and experience this show. You're better than half of these people anyways." Her face lit up and she clapped her hands excited, "Really, thank you dear." She hugged him and he stiffened a bit and patted her back. "I'm not a big hugger." He explained so he wouldn't hurt her feelings.

Sherlock was wandering around the house looking for John Watson in particular. He had talked to just about everyone else and so far Molly Hooper, Greg Lestrade, Irene Adler and Mrs. Hudson seemed the most promising. He hadn't been able to find John Watson, and Jim Moriarty had been talking to Kitty and pretended to hang himself as Sherlock walked past. Sherlock made a mental note to talk to him before the night was through also. Jim and John seemed the most interesting of all.

"There you are." John looked surprised as Sherlock entered the garden area where John was standing, beer in hand. "Were you looking for me?" John asked him, clearly surprised. "I couldn't seem to find you anywhere. I wanted to apologize if I offended you out front. I didn't mean to. I can be a callous asshole sometimes."

"Yeah I got that." John agreed but smiled as he said it. "So why would someone who is a self professed callous asshole come on a show like this?"

"My mum." Sherlock admitted with a grimace. "She's convinced that I'm lonely. Apparently falling in love on the telly is the best solution she could come up with. Why would someone who seems sensible like you come on a show like this?"

"My sister Harry and my therapist assured me it'd be good for me."

"Therapist?"

"Oh sorry, is that too heavy for the first night?" He was being sarcastic.

"A therapist because you're adjusting to life after being a soldier." Sherlock stated it, enjoying the surprise that registered in his eyes.

"How did you know that? I didn't tell you that."

"Your posture and haircut scream soldier. Everything about the way you walk and carry yourself points to it, not to mention you seem just a bit more serious than the rest of the people I've met thus far tonight." Sherlock launched into a few more observations he'd noticed, just to impress him more.

"That's incredible, wow."

"Thank you." Sherlock didn't bother being modest.

"So you're a detective?"

"Not officially, it's more of a hobby."

"I see, well the police would be lucky if you did do it professionally."

"They would be. Police rarely do anything right. Don't let any of the many law enforcement professionals that are here though find out I said that." The two laughed together and Sherlock reveled in the easy comfort they shared. They talked for a while longer, before Jim Moriarty interrupted.

"Mind if I steal Sherlock away Johnny boy? I don't think I can handle much more of Kitty Riley."

"He's all yours." John motioned to sherlock and said goodbye. "I'll see you later."

"They didn't really get you the cream of the crop to choose from did they?" Jim Moriarty paced the edge of the yard like a predator waiting to pounce.

"Not a fan of the others?" Sherlock raised an eyebrow and watched him.

"I'm not a people person." He shrugged, "You however are a different story. I've been watching you, you're special."

"And why is that?"

"You're as smart as I am. That doesn't happen very often."

"Very modest." Sherlock replied, though he enjoyed Jim's confidence.

"I don't see a need to be modest. Modesty is for ordinary people, but you and I aren't ordinary." Sherlock nodded as if he were considering what Jim said. "How do I know you're not just as ordinary as them?"

"Look at me. I saw you checking everyone out, it wasn't sexual, you were trying to read everyone. I'm sure you picked up that Sally has control issues, Tom is an unintelligent twat, Sarah is a prude, and Kitty is an alcoholic attention whore. I'd be willing to bet two of those four are the first to go."

"Impressive I suppose."

"I also can tell you're a virgin. You think you're hiding all of your own ways to be analyzed, but it's all over you every time Irene Adler comes near you." Sherlock stared at him, his face passive. "_And_ you're a sociopath." Jim added.

"Very good. Most people would go with psychopath."

"There's nothing psychopathic about you. You're barely a sociopath, you use it as a defense mechanism." Sherlock couldn't believe the way Jim Moriarty was picking him apart. It was extremely impressive, he was loving it in a masochistic way.

"Brilliant." Sherlock commended him. "Isn't it" Jim smirked, "You're lucky you have me here Sherlock, we can keep each other from being bored."

"How do you know I'm going to keep you around?"

"I know because you're just as impressed with me as I am with you, we may as well be the same person. And if you're as self absorbed as I am, I'll be here for a while." Jim smiled at Sherlock and Sherlock's heart quickened. Sherlock was drawn to him, he was genuinely fascinating. The way he circled him like prey, and the almost mocking way he flirted with him, it was sexy. Sherlock wasn't very good at flirting but he was about to give it a shot when Mycroft called everyone back into the main room loudly.

"Don't worry, you can finish that thought another time." Jim smacked Sherlock on the butt and walked back to the room with everyone else, never breaking his cool exterior for a moment. Sherlock shook himself out of it and walked back into the room, waving hi to everyone. "If you could all go to the rose ceremony room, Sherlock will be in once he's made his decision."

"I've made it, we can start now." Sherlock answered immediately. "Well, he wasn't kidding when he said he takes this seriously was he?" Mycroft cracked, eliciting a nervous laugh out of a few of the contestants. They began the rose ceremony and Sherlock called out John Watson's name first. "John, will you accept this rose?" Once he said yes, Sherlock pinned it to his suit jacket and he rejoined the group. From there Sherlock continued down the list, first with Irene and then working his way through everyone else he had decided to let stay until it was down to the final three. James Moriarty, Sarah Sawyer, and Tom. Sherlock had purposely saved Jim Moriarty for the last rose, knowing already Jim would get great amusement out of it. There was no way Jim could picture himself going home before either of the other two, he knew he was safe, and the wait only made it better for him.

"Jim Moriarty." Sherlock called out, the faces of Tom and Sarah both sinking as Jim grinned wickedly. "Will you accept this rose?" "The best for the last huh?" he accepted and watched Sherlock's hands fumble as he pinned the rose to his expensive suit. "Sarah, Tom, I'm sorry but you need to say goodbye." Mycroft announced, not sounding the least bit sorry for them.

Sherlock stood stiffly and uncomfortably as Sarah hugged him tightly, crying the entire time. Tom walked up and shook his hand, looking dejected and sad. "Good luck Sherlock." He said as goodbye and Sherlock simply nodded, not feeling as if he needed to say anything back. A few cameramen followed Sarah outside while she cried about how she truly felt like they had a connection and could have fallen in love. "It just hurts because when am I going to find someone who feels the same way about me as I do for them. I have terrible luck, I really thought Sherlock and I bonded." She sobbed until they finally took her away in the limo.

"Congratulations to all of you who made it, it's going to be a very exciting road to love." Mycroft held up a glass of champagne and everyone except Jim and Sherlock did as well, toasting to the first night. Jim tipped his glass towards Sherlock with a smirk, a mini toast of his own, and downed his champagne.

"Is it just me or does this Mycroft guy seem like the least excited host ever?" John leaned in and whispered to Sherlock, sending both of them into a laughing fit. "It's going to be a very exciting road to love." John imitated in the same uninterested and monotone voice Mycroft had used. "That's because he doesn't even believe in love, he just enjoys being in charge of everything. Don't let the fact that he's the host fool you, he's running the show behind the scenes." Sherlock told him and John nodded, believing him immediately. "It's truly amazing how you can read people from a few glances."

"Well thank you for the flattery but you're already safe for now, don't worry." Sherlock joked and they laughed again. "Everyone get some rest and get to know each other, next week the dates start." Mycroft tapped the umbrella he was holding on the ground loudly to get their attention. He motioned for Sherlock to follow him and Sherlock waved goodbye to everyone half heartedly. _'If so far there are only five promising people tops, it was going to be a long thirteen weeks'_ Sherlock thought to himself as he climbed into his own limo and was taken back to where he was staying. _'Leave it to my mum and her stupid ideas. At least a few of them seem interesting.'_


End file.
